i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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