You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
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