20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
