so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
