The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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