So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
