this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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