Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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