I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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