Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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