I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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