she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Randomize
