Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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