if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
