The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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