can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
