The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
