That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
