it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
