I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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