I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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