Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
