Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
