He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
