Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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