What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
