You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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