I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
