i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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