Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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