well I can't set my house on fire every night
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Randomize
