someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
