I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The air was thick with penises
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
