She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
