I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
