Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize