even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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