im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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