i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
