I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
