Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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