What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
