Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
