I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
