I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
