I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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