As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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