and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
