Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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