A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
