Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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