I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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