I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
