He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Still dying that you shit outside
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
