I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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