I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
