i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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