my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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