I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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