Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
